My two-way mirror to life has been blurred by dirt and rendered useless by neglect. In my life I have but one regret... That I was never as patient nor understanding as I could have been. I'm thrown into a pool of insecurity that I alone have created. My over sensitivity to details that may or may not mean anything have backed me up into a corner with lions ready to leap at my throat and bleed me dry. Taking things from the past and hurting myself with doubt. Foreseeing things from the possible future that might lead to a bitter end. Feeling around in the present for signs of betrayal and drowing my ego in a pool of misery. I was unconsciously raised to trust no one. I raised myself to read into things and assess every one I meet. I've been called names and despite the saying, words actually hurt me. They hurt me more than a whip to my back. They irritate me like a pebble in my shoe. I have lived this way for countless seconds, minutes and hours. I will not change. My hand is clenched into fist but not in anger or bitterness but in defense. Everlasting defense. I dream of a day when my insecurities shall be nullified by the realization that all my efforts to be happy have worked. Where there is no reason whatsoever for me to mistrust. When I wake up and realize without a doubt, that I have no reason to fight or hate or cry. I have been betrayed countless times and have stood up to take one, five, ten more blows to my already battered sanity. In the hope that the trust I give shall be reciprocated, acknowledged and respected. I have not yet met anyone who has never talked behind my back,  lied to me, cheated on me, or kept the truth a secret to protect me. I am not stupid. I know these things all I ask for is that the truth, the entire truth be told. Past or Present. Why keep this from me? So i will not be hurt? You contribute to my insecurity and leave me in a state of perpetual disappointment. So until I get the answers I know to be true. I will always ask the same questions over and over.

I have a clean slate
looking for solid ground
Haunted by shortcomings
Lost in the crowd.

Broken dreams
never fulfilled
Closed promises
That time will reveal.

I close my eyes
and I see such pain
Hating the life
My dreams are to blame.

Now I am alone
with all options clear
Wailing from bondage
from yesterday's fear.

Who have I
become today
The man who loved
but not asked to stay.

I fear so much
That I might move on
or that she might find
some where else she belongs.

Hope is not
a part of me
Nor is faith
in destiny.

So I lay in fear
and sadness flows.
Both our fault...
The decision she chose.

It hurts to be unwanted but it hurts even more to know that the one you lost is there but is out of reach. That in every waking day you wonder...
Is she okay?
Does she miss me?
Has she found some one else?
What is she doing right now?
Where could she be?
How is she able to live like this?
You dream of her even when you are awake and you know that by merely showing how much you miss them and love them, the more you are pushing them away. Afterall, the more you want, the more it becomes out of reach.
I looked deep in myself asking why I was here and she was there. Why she doesn't want to see me and why she doesn't love me anymore. Then it came to me...
It was totally irrelevant what I thought or what I felt. Looking inwards was not the answer since it only gives rise to one-sided questions and half-baked answers. It gives rise to self pity and a storm of regrets. No matter how much pain I feel or how alone I become, I will always turn in at night asking the same questions unless I find a reason to move on.
I had committed to myself that if i had to go through courting her all over again I will... or at least I would have. Only to realize that despite my attempts, no amount of knocking can open a locked door unless there is a key. Frankly, I don't have this key. No matter how I might desire to find this key or attain it, it is up to her. She who has taught me the value of loss. She who has shown me the pain of joy. She who has refused to open her heart which I once had as part of my own.
I miss her and I know that hope is fading each and everyday I wake.
No words will suffice...
No actions will work...
No matter how smitten I am.
It is up to her... Literally the woman of my dreams, the mother of my children, the past, present and the hopeful future.

I fear the secrets
within our lives.
Those bits of truth
those silent lies.

Why have you
kept this from me.
Why scar our love
for a man like he.

Calls from him
calls from you.
Giving him
what isn't due.

And there you stand
in secrecy,
this woman, my love,
that I hardly see...

I'll bear my heart
I'll serve my soul
just to show
my love is whole.

Forget this man
leave him be
give me this truth
help me to see.

This dumb fear
has got to go.
I bear my heart
I serve my soul.

the spawn of pain has swelled my heart
and here I am living a life bound by freedom,
shackled by a love that never returned,
writhing in agony in the subtle hints of lunacy.

I scream, voiceless as I am.
Mute from the cries adjured by the soul.
Shot from a distance
as I was gazing awe-struck
at the heaven I once called home.

Though my words never reach the deaf ears of she who has disappeared from my reality, coughing and reaching for the last drop of hope that suspends itself from the leaf of the rose I brought her.

I cease not because of the scars and bruises of the fight,
but because my heart is being killed through neglect. Tear-dried eyes remembering the yesterday that tomorrow will never know.

I hold my child in my arms, knowing that this might be the last day I can hold her before the eyes of my angel.
I turn in tonight aware of who I love and how insurmountable the walls she has built between us.

This last day, as we sat in the cottage atop the highest part of the city is my only memory...
Painful as it was, I closed my eyes and sipped on malt, polluted my lungs with the orange cinders of cancer.
While she avoids my stares as I desperately try to see the love in her eyes that my ears have long since forgotten.

I go insane as she shut her doors to the words I uttered that have lost meaning to her. I give her what she desires the most, I vanish.

She has avoided me and her words made clear...
One-sided, she feels as I make her wrong and I am always right. That I am the underdog and she is the evil witch. My mistake that I am paying for in spades.

With out answers to mend my honor,
without tears to quench my thirst
without reason to send me away...
I shall go as she has subconsiously requested,
for I Love Her...
My Nicole.

He looked deep within himself and noticed that he let the magic disappear. His body used to tingle as he kissed her lips. Both their knees weak, relying on each other for support.

He closed his eyes and could not recount, the last time he gave her flowers. He called her up and asked her out, making any reason to see her.

They met for some coffee, they walked, a step or two. He smiled as he squeezed her hand to signify "I Love You!"

And though the day had just begun, she said "I Have to Go..." He remembered why she was cold today, it's because he was a fool.

Too little, too late I must comment, for this pitiful and sad man. He turned around, she looked away... And as he left he cried. He spoke as he was walking down... "You Forgot Your Flowers."

He woke in cold sweat holding back the tears offered to a memory.

Too little, too many. Like the dreams that invade his slumber.

Alone... Pondering where he should have noticed the signs... and prevented it.

Accompanied by selfishness... Realizing that the burning sensation in his chest was there to remind him of her.

And she lives on. Better than the man she left behind.

This is not her vengeance, though she failed to see, as she leaves this man behind to do other things each day, she kills a little part of him.

He prays.
In the months or years that he has not knelt,
he now prays.

Asking to be shown the way. Wanting to change but ignorant on where to start. She declines to show him. He is lost in this beaten path. He begs for a chance he may never get.

And as he recounts his past. He realizes, there were so many "me's" and "l's" that now when he asks for help, they will all look away.

All the regret that he has leaves little room for strength. Though he cries out his apology, her hardened heart yields. He has made her heart stone.

As tears drop one by one, he ends his prayer... MY prayer. He cries as I cry. He mourns as I mourn. For he is I, the apologetic. The man who implores for forgiveness.

Watched the moon pass each phase...
Night after night, gazing at the majesty of nature
Knowing that out there the moon gently illuminates the one this heart is crying for.
Smiling at the calm and peaceful slumber of the only two persons I dream of. They lay still each night as I reminsce the feeling of their warm embraces.
Underneath the glow of the stars and the clear ebony night I whisper to myself and to the entities that none can ever see how much I miss and Love...
I miss her sweet smelling hair, her lips and her warm embrace. Each blemish, each mark and each wrinkle, that has appeared through the years we were together only make her more beautiful.
Her gentle caring voice, her constant tears and the seemingly uncountable apparell she has. I smile and remember the magic of how we fell. She asked me to stay silent as she kissed my lips. Roles reversed, i know... but that one sweet moment as the day faded into the dark calming night, remains in my mind. I smile as I cry, crazy at it may sound.
Our love has bourne fruit and it makes me love her more.
Watched the moon pass each phase...
Night after night, gazing at the majesty of nature...
that only she could ever compare to...