September 22, 2006
Mea Culpa
It hurts to be unwanted but it hurts even more to know that the one you lost is there but is out of reach. That in every waking day you wonder...
Is she okay?
Does she miss me?
Has she found some one else?
What is she doing right now?
Where could she be?
How is she able to live like this?
You dream of her even when you are awake and you know that by merely showing how much you miss them and love them, the more you are pushing them away. Afterall, the more you want, the more it becomes out of reach.
I looked deep in myself asking why I was here and she was there. Why she doesn't want to see me and why she doesn't love me anymore. Then it came to me...
It was totally irrelevant what I thought or what I felt. Looking inwards was not the answer since it only gives rise to one-sided questions and half-baked answers. It gives rise to self pity and a storm of regrets. No matter how much pain I feel or how alone I become, I will always turn in at night asking the same questions unless I find a reason to move on.
I had committed to myself that if i had to go through courting her all over again I will... or at least I would have. Only to realize that despite my attempts, no amount of knocking can open a locked door unless there is a key. Frankly, I don't have this key. No matter how I might desire to find this key or attain it, it is up to her. She who has taught me the value of loss. She who has shown me the pain of joy. She who has refused to open her heart which I once had as part of my own.
I miss her and I know that hope is fading each and everyday I wake.
No words will suffice...
No actions will work...
No matter how smitten I am.
It is up to her... Literally the woman of my dreams, the mother of my children, the past, present and the hopeful future.
Is she okay?
Does she miss me?
Has she found some one else?
What is she doing right now?
Where could she be?
How is she able to live like this?
You dream of her even when you are awake and you know that by merely showing how much you miss them and love them, the more you are pushing them away. Afterall, the more you want, the more it becomes out of reach.
I looked deep in myself asking why I was here and she was there. Why she doesn't want to see me and why she doesn't love me anymore. Then it came to me...
It was totally irrelevant what I thought or what I felt. Looking inwards was not the answer since it only gives rise to one-sided questions and half-baked answers. It gives rise to self pity and a storm of regrets. No matter how much pain I feel or how alone I become, I will always turn in at night asking the same questions unless I find a reason to move on.
I had committed to myself that if i had to go through courting her all over again I will... or at least I would have. Only to realize that despite my attempts, no amount of knocking can open a locked door unless there is a key. Frankly, I don't have this key. No matter how I might desire to find this key or attain it, it is up to her. She who has taught me the value of loss. She who has shown me the pain of joy. She who has refused to open her heart which I once had as part of my own.
I miss her and I know that hope is fading each and everyday I wake.
No words will suffice...
No actions will work...
No matter how smitten I am.
It is up to her... Literally the woman of my dreams, the mother of my children, the past, present and the hopeful future.
Posted by yabs on September 22, 2006 at 10:48 PM | Comments
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