yabs

I searched my subconsious for an answer to my query and found no 
response to my soul-search. Took a mad dash at all attempts to achieve a life 
that resembled harmony but always flooded by the cacophony of cries and 
lies. Lay awake as she avoided a conversation by sleeping. Her back 
turned against me and I lay flat on my chest writing what my heart and 
mind have both felt. She slept, aware of the current situation we were in 
but seemingly indifferent. As I looked on, she widened the gap by 
moving a few more inches away from me. I came to the realization that we are 
more distant from each other when we sleep in the same bed than we are 
when we are miles apart.

In my silence I shed a tear. Hating myself for allowing things to come 
to this. Clenched my fists and grinded my teeth not in anger but in an 
attempt to suppress this cry of agony and loneliness that tries to 
escape me. I succeed. Took comfort in knowing that nothing is forever. Life 
is way too short for anything perpetual... at least in my life.

I await the Sandman to put me to sleep so that I may forget for a few 
hours what I am feeling and why I feel so. Praying that I may sleep 
without images flashing in my mind, haunting, taunting, driving me to the 
brink. I choose a blank sleep, devoid of sound, sight and memories. I 
choose to be dreamless because it means peace and freedom from both the 
good and the bad.

She briefly stirs from her sleep muttering words that made no sense but 
vaguely sounding like a name I dare not mention. She falls asleep once 
again. I see the peace in her lovely face and I thank God she is not 
cursed by this emotionally-induced restlessness. Suddenly I felt 
bothered. Why isn't she haunted by these ghosts? She, above everyone else was 
the most involved in this predicament. I then understood that she chose 
not to be bothered despite her involvement. Just as I, subconsciously 
chose to be affected by this cascade of problems.

I grew weary of these self-debates I do nightly. Trying to answer 
questions I am not capable of answering has reduced me to an emotional 
wreck. Tired, alone and sad, the Sandman finally visits me. I feel sleepy. 
With my last conscious action, I kiss this woman I have loved for years 
and embrace her. My day is complete not inspite of the pain and 
problems, but because of it.