(Plethoric Pain, Plethoric Love)

11/15/2007

9:11 pm

I hate that I’ve fallen for someone who hates half of who I am, but nevertheless I keep falling everyday. Unknowingly my actions have hurt her despite my best efforts to make her realize my feelings. She used to be so nice and amazing. The type that catches me emotionally off-guard with each passing day. Somehow she has changed. She has become too sensitive to her feelings and insensitive to mine. I feel blamed for this even though I do not take full responsibility for it. In the past and up until an hour and thirty-three minutes ago, I have tried to fulfill my promise to her. Tonight it ends, even if I do not want it to. Enough explanations, No more Goodbye’s… just an undeniable end to what could have been a wonderful thing.

She chose to end it this way. She chose to show me that I had no value to her. No more “I miss you’s” and no more truth. She has decided… and so I respect her decision.

I no longer want to feel the pain of seeing her walk-out. The jealousy of seeing her hand being held by someone else. The envy of the hugs and kisses that I hoped could be from me. The isolation of being excluded from conversations.

I know now that even if it is I whom she calls in her time of need, it is not I who she would rather be with in times of joy. I do not blame her… I guess even I know I’m not worth it.

There is one thing about this that I have learned; there are so many people whom I have ignored, but have always been there during my time of need. People who have shown me their love, while I poured my love on her. Its my time to give them what they should have gotten from the start. I will not hurt them the way I have been hurt by so many.

Memories of her and I will always be with me. The flowers, the visits, the songs, the times I was there for when she needed someone… the times I was there for no reason at all, except to simply be there.

“Forget me if you want… go if you must. But remember, at least for one last time that whatever it was we had, it was undeniably real. Remember it well… because the next time you see me, I will not be who you used to know. I regret never being able to make you happy… but that is the last regret I will ever have and you will ever see.”

For you, this is the last time I fall…