December 25, 2007
SOLILOQUY
As my life begins to fester in the deep depression I have brought upon myself, I cannot help but become pretentious towards that which I do not fully comprehend. The level of mistrust and paranoia has heightened my senses to false conspiracies surrounding different words and actions. The burden of moving forward is a ticking time-bomb that I dare not aggravate any further. Perpetually living but never the way I desired and planned to. I have seen too many factors that I could not risk, and too little that I am willing to sacrifice.
As the months passed, I had seen the obnoxious truth mocking my very decisions. I had nothing but disdain for this sacrilegiously gaudy truth.
There was nothing more dubious than the complete truth. Because the truth raises more questions than a lie ever could. Yet peculiar as it may seem, despite the confusion and unbearable agony the truth brings, we ask for the truth. We think we crave it. We think the truth always makes things better. We are immersed in these dillusions that the truth will always set us free and lies are meant to hurt. Chivalrous and honorable as it may sound, altruistic and noble as it may seem, the truth is shrouded with so many complications.
In my life, the truth is a curse. It is the reason why I live in such horrid depression. The truth is what makes me curse my fate. The truth has caused me so much agony. Especially when the truth comes too late. When it becomes real... Too real for one heart to bear and too profound for any mind to handle.
This has placed me where it is I stand now. Full of dreams but no actions, full of hope but no chance. Drowning in the latent plans of what I believed was simply genius. All these, proximal to my standpoint... A juxtaposition of ideas with hardly any direction. This alone can bring you to tears. Tears leading to another day of incongruous living; where nothing ties together and nothing makes even the mildest sense. That is the phantasmagoria of truth, life and beliefs I have come to understand. I, who have reached the end but is nonetheless moving forward with what my own mind has limited, taking what is allowed to proceed.
The tragedy of my actuality. My current existence. The life of constant mental, physical and emotional deterioration. Something I realized I had the right and the power to change.
As the months passed, I had seen the obnoxious truth mocking my very decisions. I had nothing but disdain for this sacrilegiously gaudy truth.
There was nothing more dubious than the complete truth. Because the truth raises more questions than a lie ever could. Yet peculiar as it may seem, despite the confusion and unbearable agony the truth brings, we ask for the truth. We think we crave it. We think the truth always makes things better. We are immersed in these dillusions that the truth will always set us free and lies are meant to hurt. Chivalrous and honorable as it may sound, altruistic and noble as it may seem, the truth is shrouded with so many complications.
In my life, the truth is a curse. It is the reason why I live in such horrid depression. The truth is what makes me curse my fate. The truth has caused me so much agony. Especially when the truth comes too late. When it becomes real... Too real for one heart to bear and too profound for any mind to handle.
This has placed me where it is I stand now. Full of dreams but no actions, full of hope but no chance. Drowning in the latent plans of what I believed was simply genius. All these, proximal to my standpoint... A juxtaposition of ideas with hardly any direction. This alone can bring you to tears. Tears leading to another day of incongruous living; where nothing ties together and nothing makes even the mildest sense. That is the phantasmagoria of truth, life and beliefs I have come to understand. I, who have reached the end but is nonetheless moving forward with what my own mind has limited, taking what is allowed to proceed.
The tragedy of my actuality. My current existence. The life of constant mental, physical and emotional deterioration. Something I realized I had the right and the power to change.
Posted by yabs on December 25, 2007 at 10:40 PM | Comments
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