yabs

Looking back at memories of blessings long-gone and under-appreciated, there is one and only one that I have ultimate regret about.

Forget the pictures seen where I embraced so many others, those are all misleading. Forget any talks heard from my mouth or from others, those are all a far stretch from the truth.

For there is only one truth, one single regret within this year when I exiled myself from reality. I Love You and I realized it too late.

It was fear that led me to sabotage what was almost a new chance to be happy. The "what if's" that haunted me and pushed me to retreat, sealed our connection. A connection that took so very long to create but so very little to sever.

I will never forget when you cried because of the overwhelming attention I gave to so many other girls whom you thought I gave priority to.

I am sorry.

I remember the single date we had that led to awkward circumstances simply because my social life was interfering with our time together. I apologize for the words spoken by so many others that put you on-the-spot.

Though I cared for you more than both of us knew, it was my fault for not looking deeper into myself to see what I was doing wrong. Too late, as it ate away at the very foundations of our relationship.

I should have shown more eagerness. My error was I had thought so much about the my past that it seemed so certain to become our future.

Paranoia set in so early. It infected me to the core. I dragged you down with me. So inconsiderate was I to push my troubled heart into our individually troubled lives. Only to duck and run at the slightest glimpse of hope for both of us.

I was insane. Deranged. Unsound. So blissfully caught in something potentially great and yet so afraid of it.

I was helplessly stuck on someone else. I did not get the closure I needed from her. I could not move on despite the obvious fact that I should have been able to.

I wallowed in a pool of self-pity and broken-hearted tears until I was saturated by it.

I covered it up with illusions of joy, empty moments with women I was never interested in. All the while you were there.

My actions filled you with so much doubt. Just as I had done to myself.

Now, so many months after I succeeded in sabotaging what we could have had, I am filled with regret.

I see you and still feel your pain. Pain I had caused you. Now I see what a fool I was. I drove you out but you never really left.

Now I see myself and feel my pain. Pain I had caused myself. You saw what a fool I was. I thought you might stay but you already left for good.