yabs

(this is the most bland of all I've written... Despite the turmoil in my heart and mind... I guess it'll take time)

"Where shall I find inspiration?
The writer in me begs...
Will you come and break my heart?"
These I asked once before

Ever so concerned
At the death of a muse
I asked to be hurt
And be fueled once again

So now I am here
Due partly to my own actions
I poured myself into this
Believing in false hopes

Trusted another
As if the lessons I learned
Had never taken effect
And now I cry

My muse has returned
And I thank you
Although this pain is here
I can't help but smile

I have found myself again
This time I will not let go
I begin to write once more
Though not as intensely

I thank you for being predictable
You never fail to hurt me
Just as I expected
Yet I have nothing but gratitude for you

For you have returned to me
What I lost
Partly desired
Partly unwanted

Thank You...

yabs

I lost you not once
Not even twice

I gave my all

If I just knew
What went on in your head
I could say
what I should have said

If I came forward
When it was required

When you were ready

You fascinate me
You wrap me around your finger
You make me believe
You open my heart to hope

Yet that's how you are
Stringing me along

A fool for you

I was strung around
Always at your convenience
Never being there when I need you
The way I am when you need me

Maybe long ago there was a chance
But now I know you only use me

I am your last choice

Not even a sliver
A drop, A single crumb
Of decency
Or of conscience

Yet I miss you...Ä
As fools often are;
I am a glutton for punishment
Because believe in hope

I believe in change
I believe in you

 So I remain a fool... A fool that misses you

yabs

I hate your mood swings
And all your selfish acts

I hate your insensitivity
And your lack of affection

Your carelessness
Makes me feel unwanted

Youa are everything
That can hurt me...

She gave me her Respect
Her undivided Attention

She held my hand tightly
And hugged me wholeheartedly

She keeps me entertained
As if I was important

She looks at me in a way
That every man has ever wished

I love everything she does
But she has one simple flaw;

she's not you...

yabs

Three sides
Three aspects
Three different personas

The Truth
The Lies
And what lies in between

The illusion of success
Constantly on display
That fools one and all

The scars of life
That are no longer seen
But still hurt deep within

The faded signs
Of a hard past
That has created this Being

The truth
That changes everything
Is primed to explode

The lies
That shroud the nothingness
Which masquerades Rust for Gold

And all the lies in between
previews what the truth hates
And what the lies fear

Nothing
Everything
And Beyond

Who am I but an actor
Who decided to live his life
Behind this trinity of Me, Myself and Ian

yabs

You asked me if you could look into my eyes then you held my face as you stared into my soul. I looked away in shame because I knew that you would see the lack of luster in my eyes. That certain spark that has been nullified by years of constant emotional abuse; self inflicted or otherwise. Yet you decided to look my way despite the warning signs that were so evident since the day we met.

I was intrigued by your seemingly uncaring attitude that contradict such great acts of kindness and affection you direct at me. I never understood this. Nor did did i know why it affected me this way. All i was certain of was that you saw in me what i never expected to be there - a fire.

This "spark" I lost ignited a fire within me that I had no knowledge of. A fire that fueled my days with a passion unlike any other. Yes, now i see it... I feel it... I recognize it in my writing. I sense it in the bursts of confidence that I once attributed to the poison of alcohol. Only to realize that the underlying content in my words was still the man I used to be. Fighting with the man I am now who has been trying to douse the fire within me with the numbing effect of alcoholism.

There is a thin line between losing something and simply forgetting it. All the trials and tribulations I've faced had led me to forget the core of who I really was. Who I AM... The bitterness and distrust I unconsciously allowed to take over impaired me momentarily from the root of my very being.

I remember now that I used to speak kindly of others. I remember the romantic heart that I nurtured. I remember that I always knew the right words to say. I remember being understanding. I remember being intimate without being physical. Things i lost or had been set aside when I changed so many years ago. A metamorphosis brought about by constant betrayal, beration and pressure.

Words and actions from one I used to love and those that surround her. I learned to put my guard up until I became an non-trusting beast. A monster made of bitterness and paranoia. I began to assert myself to the point of being rude and selfish... my voice above anyone Else's. But now I have found myself through you. Just because you dared to look into my eyes and saw something I could no longer see nor recognize...

I am now ready to return to my roots; to be accepting and genuine. To be romantically shy yet honorably aggressive. To not care what others think or say as long as my heart said "Yes!" Now that I know the difference between deserving someone and deserving each other. I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders now that I lost a relationship that used to feel right but should have never been. And a relationship that IS right and could possibly be.

yabs

Finally moving forward on a book I'm Writing... a pool of feelings both from fact and fiction. I plan to upload the first chapter unto this site. Any and all comments are welcome. Suggestions are welcome to. Title Ideas would be helpful as well. This will be a non-revised, non-edited version of the first few chapters. so it will most definitely be rough and harsh. but that's how things start... rough to refined. harsh to artistic. thanks for all your help in advance!