yabs

You asked me if you could look into my eyes then you held my face as you stared into my soul. I looked away in shame because I knew that you would see the lack of luster in my eyes. That certain spark that has been nullified by years of constant emotional abuse; self inflicted or otherwise. Yet you decided to look my way despite the warning signs that were so evident since the day we met.

I was intrigued by your seemingly uncaring attitude that contradict such great acts of kindness and affection you direct at me. I never understood this. Nor did did i know why it affected me this way. All i was certain of was that you saw in me what i never expected to be there - a fire.

This "spark" I lost ignited a fire within me that I had no knowledge of. A fire that fueled my days with a passion unlike any other. Yes, now i see it... I feel it... I recognize it in my writing. I sense it in the bursts of confidence that I once attributed to the poison of alcohol. Only to realize that the underlying content in my words was still the man I used to be. Fighting with the man I am now who has been trying to douse the fire within me with the numbing effect of alcoholism.

There is a thin line between losing something and simply forgetting it. All the trials and tribulations I've faced had led me to forget the core of who I really was. Who I AM... The bitterness and distrust I unconsciously allowed to take over impaired me momentarily from the root of my very being.

I remember now that I used to speak kindly of others. I remember the romantic heart that I nurtured. I remember that I always knew the right words to say. I remember being understanding. I remember being intimate without being physical. Things i lost or had been set aside when I changed so many years ago. A metamorphosis brought about by constant betrayal, beration and pressure.

Words and actions from one I used to love and those that surround her. I learned to put my guard up until I became an non-trusting beast. A monster made of bitterness and paranoia. I began to assert myself to the point of being rude and selfish... my voice above anyone Else's. But now I have found myself through you. Just because you dared to look into my eyes and saw something I could no longer see nor recognize...

I am now ready to return to my roots; to be accepting and genuine. To be romantically shy yet honorably aggressive. To not care what others think or say as long as my heart said "Yes!" Now that I know the difference between deserving someone and deserving each other. I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders now that I lost a relationship that used to feel right but should have never been. And a relationship that IS right and could possibly be.