yabs

In the recent events that I willingly bathed in depression, wallowing in the melodrama that I created for myself, I came to realize that my muse of choice (depression) was a curse that I could no longer bear.

Recent romance and that burning desire to end this lonliness ended up in bitter defeat. I was at fault based on my own choices. My taste in women, my preference in friends, the vices that I became dependent on and my very own views have all led to my current status.

Here I set my brand new goals and this new outlook in life. Today I awoke to a moment of clarity reinforced by the events that I heard and saw. With this, I finally realized that the "dream" I had for myself, a goal I tried so hard to attain was in truth a nightmare that I proudly survived and learned from. Thanks to everyone who showed their true colors, those who disappointed me, those who were good to me and those who shattered my ego. Because of you and the colors you brought, I can finally paint my own life.

1. I changed the image I retained for so long
2. I cut the ties that needed to be severed
3. I learned who my true friends are
4. I will control myself and my base emotions
5. I will write firm and true
6. I have sent out resumés
7. I have removed the illusion of writing as a career
8. I shall remain silent and soft spoken
9. I will shed a tear for family and no one else
10. I will be cautious and know what to go for and what to avoid

These are my top ten. Followed by more well thought- out decisions. This is my new day... My new life... The funeral of past dramas and the birth of a better tomorrow. March 1, 2009.

yabs

Searching
For the next bright day
My eyes shut tight
Each dark soulful night

Forcing a change
So welcome
So needed
Dedicated to life

Looking beyond
The sad shadow of the past
Beyond the treachery of the present
Surrendering to the future

Though uncertainties
have cast this shroud
I look forward with hope
Eagerly awaiting daylight

Accepting past mistakes
Praying that confessions come soon
So when daylight comes
My world will be at peace

No more hiding
No more complications
No more lies
Just peacefully imperfect truth

yabs

His hand was extended
Reaching out in friendship
His eyes unable to hide
The insincerity within

He walks over to me
And speaks as if nothing was wrong
As if the friendship we had
Was unaffected by his smug idiocy

Deep inside my blood boils
His deception unforgotten
Hurting me in each second
That he stands before me

His insulting hand
Mocking me as we shake hands
His guilty explanations cutting me deep
With each futile story he adds

His lies versus my trust
His denial versus the truth
I feel cursed that I called him friend
This traitorous arrogant fool

Yet I stay true
As a real friend should
Despite his betrayal
For I am a better man than he

yabs

(inspired by a comment by "inmomentum-vs" on "Hey Girl"

The challenge of my life
The bane of my existence
Yet still the only wellspring
I desire to acquire my happiness

Days go on
In my attempts to forget
Nights pass slowly
In the social duties I fulfill

Giving you the time
That you need to mend
Bottling this affection
Til the day you might desire it

Distracting myself
In TV auditions I passed
Amused whenever I see myself
In the photos of a newspaper

Happy with the opportunity
I was given to write a column...
Meeting celebrities...
Being VIP at selected events...

Still everything seems so empty
This stroke of fortune
That I always wanted
Is just so... God-awfully Empty

As I retire everyday
To the solitude of my room,
The last and only thought I have
Is always your name.

yabs

Today of all days
I witnessed the demise
Of principles I believed in

Such extreme agony
As I woke in tears

Today I saw
With my own eyes
The betrayal of my soul

The pain of a love
I needed to honor

Today I said
"take her and make her happy"
"she chose you"

I wished
It was me she wanted

Not the liar who used her
Not the friend that hurt me
Not this goddamn farce of a man

Yet she left
Because she fell

And I let her
Because I loved her
And respected her decision

I want her to be happy
I hope he could do that

Yet he denied her
Though she wanted him
And she stays nonetheless

Though it may be bleak for me
I will wait... I will love

Ready to take her
Prepared to love her
Never deny her

yabs

Yes I chose to suffer
My back scarred from the whip
The raging coals under my feet
My body soaked in boiling oil

This is all I know
All I have ever known
This dark and bleak life
I cannot keep away from

I have been told
Scolded and insulted
Millions of times over
For my irrational vacuity

My good judgement,
My intellectual ability...
These all fail and regress
At the mere mention of "Love"

I run like a fool
Perform like a jester
Submit to her every whim
Subject myself to scrutiny

All of which for any other reasons
I would never bend nor bow
All else but Love I can resist
Without it I am Brave, Strong and Smart

Yet my heart is powerless
So I kneel... and I twist
For love has turned me moronic
Mistaking depression for bliss

yabs

I laugh at this
At the same time I frown
Yet this common truth
Has been my constant hell

Yielding to hope
In eternal failure
Out-classed
By the unworthy

In my eyes
If not of anyone else's
I see myself defeated
Humiliated in whole

Losing to a liar
A knight in shining tinfoil
With words and actions
Unequal to mine

Still I am defeated
My love lost
Taken by a creative deciever
Who has all but wants more

She is fooled
She is enticed
By this flamboyant performer
A hunter, a predator

She will be used
She will feel pain
But as she stays in her ignorance
So too shall I wait in mine

yabs

Look at my smile
My joy is pure
This is my remedy
The only cure

These curved lips
The gleam in my eyes
The undeniable truth
The discovered lies

Etch my emotions
Peer into my soul
See the passion in me
Like a burning-hot coal

Draw my happiness
Prove the world is fair
Draw from the heart
Draw because you care

Originals with photos found at: http://yabs.tabulas.com/gallery/photo-poetry/happiness.jpg/

yabs

Daub me in tears
From when you remember
Back in the days
When I believed in forever

Though maybe right now
I lay in silence
Caged temporarily
From all existence

A self-exile
I chose to undergo
A time to heal
And a time to grow

Paint me with tears
From your eyes and mine
Paint with the colors
From the palette of time

Original With Photo found in: http://yabs.tabulas.com/gallery/photo-poetry/tears.jpg/

yabs

Why is everybody so hurt when they lose someone they

weren't supposed to have in the first place? I've

seen so many people cry. All my shirts are

tear-soaked from consoling not just them but myself

as well.

Here's the thing, one-sided devotion may sound

honorable but it hurts like hell. The fact remains

that as long as each person tries to bite the

"forbidden fruit" it will remain out of their reach.

Ganun ang tao... kung humahabol ka umiiwas sila.

Every man and every woman follows the same set of

rules but each person considers him/herself unique.

You can nurse your feelings all you want or deny it

as if you are okay. But here's the truth, no matter

what you do, people will still feel and see your

pain, EXCEPT for the one who caused it.

Look into yourselves, and tell me in all honesty

that you have never hurt anyone in your entire life

whether on purpose or by accident. Then you'll

realize that what you are suffering from right now

is a universal fact. Something that time and time

again has baffled, killed, made and broke soooooooo

many men and women of different ages, intellect and

social standing.

We cry because we choose to cry. We put value in

things that others find useless and absurd. I cry

about things that my friends say is not worth it.

and yes, it is NOT worth it. yet I cry... Why?

because I chose to let it affect me. Just as others

have let other issues affect them.

We rant, act innocent and complain or give hints or

even pretend not to be hurt and then when people

react to that we feel like the world is against us.

We say "Leave Me Alone!" or "Tama na!" things we

never mean.

Many of you will deny this but I have lived my life

watching myself and others fooled and hurt by people

that I once thought were honorable. It hurts and

insults me that I excert effort to make sure

everyone is okay but my warnings and advice are

never heeded. I do not want these things for you but

that is not my choice.

Fine. We are all hurt once in a while, from things

we GOT OURSELVES INTO. I cared for so many people in

my life and I have seen them cry, give-up and move

on. In life there are two things, a story... and a

story with a lesson. Which one you choose is up to

you. All I know is when things get tough you can run

to me because although these idiots may not value

you, I DO coz I'm a friend, a brother and More.

yabs

I saw her eyes
Welled-up in sorrow
I saw her hands
Shaking in emotional pain

I walked closer
As she gestured an embrace
She tried to smile
It was a failed attempt

I stood beside her
She leaned forward
My shirt was wet
From the tears she shed

These tears on my shoulder
That reminds me of such pain
I was hurt and now she was too
By the undying curse of love

We are unlucky
I felt that to be true
So I just let her cry
Hoping that would help her heal

yabs

Saturday night
I felt lost and alone
From being part of a crowd
To being solitary

I saw the smiles
And felt the hugs
Then I was left
For better things

I tried my best
To conform and socialize
Only to realize
That I had changed

I danced to the music
Swayed to the groove
Things I used to love
Things I used to be

I lost myself
Because of recent events
The heart aches
And the undying uncertainties

So I left not just the party
Not just the house
But the entire city
To find myself somewhere strange

I sit here alone
The cool breeze on my face
Writing from the heart
Drawing everything from my soul

Still I find no comfort
A beer in hand
A cigarette on the other
And nothing but silence all aroundMy

yabs

I sat here
Under the ebony sky
This pitch-black nothingness
And a heart full of sickness

I found some wood
I had a lighter in hand

I started a fire
The insects came
To dance around it
Much to my amusement

People came
Friendly smiling people

They sat around
This fire I made
They sat around
And talked to me

I must have been strange
To these beautiful people

A hat in the hot night
Woven pants on dirty ground
Shirtless and covered
In mosquito bites

I had been there for a while
Longer than I remember

Gravitating towards the heat
A heat that reflects my heart
A raging fire of anger and sorrow
More welcoming than repelling

And so they came
These strangers in the night

No dramatic questions
No prying eyes of judgment
Just a "hi" and a "hello"
To break the silence in my life

yabs

My heart bleeds
As you flirt and entertain
My soul grieves
As you did what you did

I had to leave
To follow my mind's wishes
To clear what is needed
To disregard my heart

I drove far away
In search of myself
I cried for a moment
No, even longer

I cared for you
And tried my best
Unlike all those bastards
That just want something else

Still you loved it
That I was in agony
In undying sorrow
This pathetic dismay

Heartless are you
The opposite of me
The only one I ever let in
Someone I actually cried for

So I left
To let you be you
Someone heartlessly brutal
Someone with a double standard

Who was I anyway?
You did not even notice I was gone
A person you took for granted
And hurt til this very day

yabs

Hindi ko makuhang ngumiti
Nalimutan na ang tawa
Paranting naka-yuko
Nakabulsa ang mga kamay

Nasaan na ang totoong ngiti?
Nilamon na ng galit at kabiguan

Malalim mag-isip
Sa tuwing nag-iisa
Naiiyak at nababaliw
Sa bawat saksak ng tadhana

Ang  puso'y pumipintig
Sa walang-awang alaala

Kahit anong dasal
Kahit anong pikit
Hindi magawang mawala
Ang sikip ng dibdib

Umalis na't bumalik
Ang impyerno'y nandito pa rin

Sigaw sa langit
Luhod sa lupa
Ang kalbaryong ito'y
Hinding-hindi huhupa

yabs

My devotion
My utter stupidity
My undying passion

Curses of the human heart
The enigma of my mind
Factors in my existence

Small joys
Big problems
Losses and rewards

Leaving me in limbo
In emotional discontent
Hate, Love, the gray areas

To go
To stay
To be undecided

Tears and fears
Smiles and encouragement
Selfish confusion

Where to go
What to do
Right or wrong?

Tie me up
Bounded and gagged
Never to live in this hell

Though I search for it
I hate it as well
This addiction of all and nothing

yabs

Words of no value
Actions of a liar
Subject to interpretation
Subject to scrutiny
Truth in this falsehood

Dressed in cheap garbs
That are passed as fashion
Speaking in ignorance
Pretending to be smart
But nonetheless mediocre

Hating who you are
But acting like you love it
Saying things from your fickle mind
Feeling things from you fickle heart
Always wondering about the insignificant

The greatest of the pretenders
The poorest of the truthful
Uttering trivial words
A malcontent of reality
A traitor of the heart

This is not who you are
Not the one I have seen
Not the one I have feelings for
Never the person I deserve
You are nothing

Just another self-indulged lunatic
Yet you are the pinnacle of my desires
For I know the real you
I love the person inside
Not this living facade

yabs

Of everything
That I desire
My feelings burn
Because you're my fire

In all I've felt
In this world of pain
You're the only one
I'd dare to feel again

My eyes may close
As I fade away
But my heart remembers
Those better days

yabs

I do not search
Though I still care
I do not talk
But I have something to say

Blindly hoping
That what I showed you
Would be shown
To me too

The concern
The effort
And everything
I used to do

I am so pathetic
Because I was mistaken
Mistaken in trusting
Mistaken in believing

You are too concerned
About your own dilemma
To waste time on someone
Who dedicated his time to you

yabs

In the unavoidable hope
Living inside me
I wander blindly
Into this warzone
Of emotionality

This hope has been ruined
Shattered so many times
But never killed
Constantly there
It never falters

Saying "maybe"
Maybe someday
I'll get my chance
To make someone happy
And be happy as well

Even as my chances
Seem to be slim
Even after failing
More than I care to count
My hope lives on

Though things are less
Than uncertain
Giving up my search
Has never been an option
Nor a valid choice

I would fight
For a single "maybe"
Than surrender
To a million No's
Or retreat for a mediocre "yes"

yabs

As I moved further and further away from Baguio, my problems seemed to fade and my concerns simply dissipated. No more worries about friends and loved ones that I left behind. Though I know that things are getting worse by the moment, it just feels irrelevant. The valid points and anxieties that drove me to drink and be out nightly all became moot.

The tears I shed I left in Baguio, the sleepless nights I surrendered to the stars. All I had with me on this second trip away from hell was myself. Although I would not be gone for long, I embraced this chance to be somewhere else and someone else. Away from prying eyes, familiar faces and the constant nagging of those I knew or those who thought they knew me.

I did not have to answer the who, the when and the what's that I had to deal with back home. No interrogations, minus the paranoia and the perpetual self loathing. I did not have to pretend anymore. I did not have to look okay, or smile, or cry or even wonder about things and people. I did not pity myself.

I left that world of intrigue and the perversions of all I used to hold dear. I tried to get away only from these problems, but began to miss Baguio as it was further away every minute I drove in the opposite direction. I've only been gone for a few hours but each minute away from home was torture. Afterall, Baguio is my birthplace and my soulful memory. Though I escaped the curse created by the unworthy people in my life, I will never want to escape Baguio. It has been seared unto every fiber of me. And I embrace it as part of who I am.

yabs

When it rains it pours... After all the drama and issues for this month, March ends with a BANG!

Broken hearted me was betrayed by my closest friend and hurt by someone who I cared for. The issues pour-on day by day with text harrassments, interrogations, fights and the ever present drama.

These last few days have been the worst by far for our family who seemed to be cursed for this first quarter of the year.

Setting heart-break and social issues aside, here are the events that transpired within only 2 days:

My uncle fell off a cliff driving in Naguilian Road (or you may know it as Quirino Hi-way). Needless to say he was hospitalized. His skin from the forehead was actually peeled off his skull, same goes for his shoulder skin.

The Pajero, a total loss (it actually is worse than it looks in the photos). It was a mangled version of its tough old look. Old style Pajero's are known to have a hart body. That didn't help much though. I guess a Pajero versus a Cliff proclaims the cliff as the winner hands-down!

A few hours after that, the vehicle I was driving was stabbed in the rear wheel. I did not notice til I drove quite a distance. I was running flat from when it finally gave way. My tire was ridden with cuts and other damages from running flat (yes, I am a moron).

A few more hours after that we discovered that my grandmother's brother died... HAS BEEN DEAD for a WEEK now and nobody bothered to inform us. He was a gentle soul with simple joys (we'll see you in heaven lolo Avelino... much Love).

Today, after a hearty lunch with my housemates, my cousin decides to go to bed to take a nap. He wakes up and goes to the bathroom. He feels dizzy and all of a sudden, he could no longer breathe. He lost consciousness, cutting his eyelid, puncturing his lower lip and had trouble calling for help. His brother came soon after and called me (I went out to help get the Pajero). I drove him to the hospital where he was stitched-up.

There's one last day left in this month and the first quarter of this year will be over. I hope and pray that this stroke of bad luck will end as this month ends.

Photos of vents found in: http://yabs.multiply.com/photos/album/96/A_series_of_unfortunate_events