Nothing less than a lonely
day. Sipping coffee at a time when I’m supposed to be rejoicing with
family. Tonight is a simple and a less than mildly depressing event. A
broken leg, hot cup noodles and the silence of a house that was never a
home. A singular word describes my current evening – Alone. Money
matters separate me from family. Selfish intentions isolate me from
blood. My presence at a reunion replaced by their desire for spring
chicken. I mean good god, the only mode of transportation I have to
join my family was taken from me so somebody can cook chicken.
Though I succeed at avoiding bitterness during the holidays, the
feeling of sadness envelops me in each step I take. Slowly limping my
way to the kitchen to check on my cup noodles knowing well that this is
not how things are supposed to be. Yet here I am, at this exact moment…
living in THIS moment. Three text messages saying “Merry Christmas!” as
I politely reply the same with the knowledge of the inconsolable. Then
all my phone credits are spent further emphasizing my isolation.
My throat dries up and my knees buckle at each thought of past happy
Christmas days. Christmas songs play and the air is filled with whimsy…
but not for me. I decide to give my dogs a Christmas dinner from the 40
pesos I have in my pocket. Mediocrity seeps in but I smile at the sight
of these animals wagging their tails at the sight of a warm meal. And
I’d like to think, because of my presence.
The cold night air seems warm in comparison to the freezing
atmosphere of loneliness. With the television on and nothing good to
watch, I kept surfing channel after channel. The sounds comfort me
emotionally as if there was someone there. A trick done for dogs that
worked wonders on me. At least temporarily.
Laughter echoing from the neighboring houses. Fireworks lighting the
ebony sky like sparks from an ungrounded wire. Voices yelling their
Christmas greetings and children running in the streets while others
sing around a guitar player. At the street corner a roaring fire can be
seen from this house that has become my glass cage. The fire rises and
moves in waves mocking me with heat that I cannot feel. The cinders and
smoke I can smell but not enjoy.
I retire to my room and wrap myself in a blanket as I rock myself to
sleep to comfort my grieving soul. No amount of writing provides
release. No photos provide inspiration. Today I saw no smiles. Today I
walked alone around town despite my broken leg. Today I had nothing to
drink, no decent meal to eat… Today I regret that I am still awake.
Because today is my first Christmas alone.
