yabs

This was made for a friend who shared a unique connection with me to this day. She knew when I had problems or when I needed help. This is to remind her that it doesn't go unnoticed. It started out as a simple thank you but ended up as piece of my memory lay down in words.

Lazy afternoons
Long boring classes
Taking a stroll
To wherever our feet take us

Lunch for the hell of it
To stay for the company
Open to each other
But never completely

To say what we mean
To act how we want
To challenge authority
When they say that we "Can't"

From knowing when to call
To knowing what to say
Reminding we are close
When we are so far away

Reminded how good
Each one of us is
Knowing what was ours
Was never hers or his

So when you get blinded
For doing what’s right
Know that I am here…
And I’ll gladly share my sight.

yabs

Distant... Numb from the tragedies of life and living. Surrounded by the fools and slaves of need. Crowded by people who show no shame. Flooded by hate and love that we try to make sense of. The senses, overpowered by bitterness flowing out from the brim of sanity. Crashing into nothingness. Burning from the pain and the inability to express what should have been said years ago. Raging like vengeful wildfire, un-calmed by the constant rain. Unsuppressed by the calm rivers that are a mere step away. Burning with the worst fuel possible...helplessness. The world is negative in the eyes of the cynic. Untrusting and contemptuous. But I believe... I believe in human nature. I distrust as much as you do in the instinct of man. Yet ultimately I am alive. The length of my existence does not dictate my character. The truth is never really true. And the lies, oh the lies! They are the tools of a once optimistic man. Looking for a crack, a crevasse an single drop of hope. Do not bank you soul on hope. Invest it on what you have today. Forget your quest for someone to love you. Instead, love who you have. Love those who have waited for an eternity to be loved. Do not expect reciprocation, but acknowledge it when it comes. We do not have the leisure of predicting what we get or expecting to get all of what we worked for. Even the lowly farmer, a man  who invested in sweat and tears loses part of what he works for to the vermin of his land, the parasites of his kingdom. Still he manages to live on. Provides for his family and himself. As sure as I live, I can stand here and tell you; I have loved and lost. I have shared and have been abused. I lived with greed. I lived with freedom. I remember happiness less than I remember pain. Are we not the same? Doomed to live. Doomed to expire. It does not matter what I have done. It does not matter who I loved or who has loved me. What matters as of now is what I have not done. That is what should keep me going.

yabs

I lost something that could have been great. Kept nothing but the scars of a memory that should never be. Regret, a bit of jealousy, seeps into my ravaged sanity. Bitten by the rabid dogs of desire. Competing for that one great morsel that all want to taste but few ever savor.  Lost in the whirlwind of time. Forgotten in my short absence. Replaced by someone who has more time. No friends in sight. Cursed to labor for the sake of others. Left alone and misunderstood. Simply because I dared to dream at the cost of my social ego. Weary from being the slave of my own personality. Saying what I want, admitting what I can give, asking for more than what I should be getting. You are right to forget me, but unfair for not uttering what I should have known. An hour, a day, a week has passed. I am still here. A slave to the freedom that I have set. A martyr for a cause that no mortal man or woman can ever fathom. I would rather have none by dawn than lose everything by dusk.  How comfortable was I to strip my soul bare for eyes that I thought were worthy. If I am wrong, I am unafraid. I have survived the holocaust many times over. But from this fork in the road we face, I take with me the memories and the battlescars of the past. To make me strong, to make me smart, to keep me on my guard. (To Be Continued...)

Criticism from the senses, to the mind
Out through the most dangerous hole in the world...
The mouth.
A means for communication, used as a weapon.
To injure, degrade, deface...

Here is a paragraph from the analogy I am working on, taken from a personal manuscript that I call "The Soliloquiy of Soul and Spirit":

In my travels in and out of consiousness, I saw an oracle of pure light and sheer beauty. Her knowledge was mine to use and learn. Three steps into tomorrow and I saw the truth evident in every living being. Jealousy. "Why?" I asked myself... "Why envy others for the fortune they have, and attain compensation in the thought that there are those poorer than us?" The less fortunate. I tore from the everlasting knowledge of this dream that would have made me wiser. I ran. I do not want to know what evil we have in this pitiful world. I am one to always expect the best in others. Despite who they are or what they have done. I fear the wisdom that I could have shared with so few. Knowing the truth is a burden. We need lies in our lives to keep us going. To push us forward when we see no ray of hope. This is the evolution of self-encouragement. An anti-conscience of sorts. One that creates "the balance" that so many intellectuals and the religious always pertain to. I am evil as much as I am good. Thats the complexity of life. Its when we find beauty in that which others find horrid. I tore away from the light of knowledge that I could have attained. Not because it would empower me with the truth, but because it would make me ignorant. It would make me ignorant of the milestones we have achieved working on the impossible. The truth sets limits. These limits bind us to where we are today. Never improving. One lie tips the balance of power and opens a door to incredible possibilities. That is the good of evil, that is the truth in the lies. That is what defines who we become and what we can achieve. Most concepts and ideas start out as lies, it is the effort we put into making these lies become truths that has kept us from fading into dust.