Seeds of mistrust and shattered hopes
from the world I thought I knew
All failed attempts at being happy
as I swim a sea of uncertainty
At a point of giving-up
both old and new...
I keep getting haunted
by me, her and you
If I could take it all back
and just be alone
Do you think I would?
Answers are lost to me
as it always has been
maybe its my karma
for some forgotten sin
When the day comes
when I can see clearly...
I wonder who will be left?
I wonder who'll stand with me?

Confusion is her burden
so she cannot answer my questions
The bitter past haunts her
despite her attempts to move on
She cries constantly
as I watch in helpless agony
She deserves more than this
and I cannot give that to her
For all the hopes and prayers
and the reminders that I care
She is still alone in this fight
until she lets me in
She is my daybreak
my source of light
my ever present wish
and my undying dream
Yet she has closed her heart
as I have opened mine
and all I can do is stay
hope, wish and pray
If not me then someone else
someone who can give her joy
Someone who knows what to say
Someone who she'll love
I'll be there for her
as she was there for me
if friendship is all we have
then that's what it should be.

Bukas, sinong magmamahal sa akin?
bukas sinong nakahandang ako'y yakapin?
lumipas na ang kahapon
at ang hinanakit na ka'y pait.
Patapos na ang ngayon
at ang paghihilom ng aking pagkatao.
Hinihintay ang bukas
at ang dasal ng kailanman.
Makinig sa aking pagsusumamo
buksan ang mata...
Ako'y nandito... naghihintay
nakahandang mabuhay.
Sino ang makikita sa bukas na hinihintay?
Sino ang handang maki-hati sa aking buhay?
Dalampu't Anim na taon ng pagkabigo
Naghihintay ng katotohanang di lubos maintindihan
Ako'y naghihintay
para sa iyo...
sino ka man na bubuo ng aking puso.

If I could be loved, if I could be cared for, how great it would be to be loved back and to be told to stay... How I miss having someone to call my own. How I miss talking to someone not just on the phone. In my life where I've been hurt a million times over, how I wish the pain would go away and the wounds healed. I wish I was never like this and I would never have loved this way. æ  Beyond the flashy clothes, the unending nightlife and the sweet words, I know in my heart that I'm not worth it at all. So much drama for anyone to bear. So many corny lines when all I should do is shut up. Yet I wait for an answer to my unending quest. Living the life I know is not mine. This is not me, yet this was my life. This is not me living on the edge of this knife. I turn away but come back for more all because of what happened before. I hate this time, knowing I have sunk so low... surrounded by people who will never understand what it feels to live a single day of my life. Beyond the smiles and even the depression there is this indescribable emptiness that cannot be filled. All because it refuses to be....

So afraid that no one will be there to catch when you fall just because I decided to leave. As I take a stroll through my thoughts, I found one thing that was identifiably real... I will be there when you call. I'll be there when you're sad. Life is too short to live in a pool of regret. You are too special to be left on your own. So I am here. In the clearest sense of "here." Maybe things were not meant to be the way I saw it. That is my flaw. A burden I have decided to carry and risk... in the hope of falling. Here we are now back to the first step. Back to the "who" we were supposed to be when we met. I thank you for that. I am now awake. Upon my waking it is you I see.Someone who does not deserve to be subjected to this petty quarrel. This further complication that I have added to your already sad and difficult life. I see you are trying so hard to live in this barrage of unfortunate events and I want to be there to tell you it will be okay.

The price we pay to live our lives
is more than enough to fill two lifetimes
with either bliss or agony

These storms of sadness
in the wheel of fate engulf us all
as the world turns and reveals the future.

Everyone has a problem that they bear...
Everyone has a secret to share.
The sights and sounds of a crying soul,
have called us out to lose control.

I find myself with such great loss
all because I live in regret.
So many things still unsaid
even more left undone.

Although, I did actually learn:
No fight is worth losing family.
No amount of pride is worth this pain.
No past should hinder the future.

With the lessons that I learned,
I live this day like I have lived most,
with this sense of wonder.
forever questioning...

I proceed to take a positive step
towards the negative direction.
With phantom I love you's ringing in my ears
as I add another day to my goal of moving forward.

Yes, truly
the price we pay to live our lives
is more than enough to fill two lifetimes
with either bliss or agony.
and I choose agony...

The rain of events
that have come and gone
has taught me well
what it means to be alone

As I live
through this first day
after I chose
to live my own way

I'll keep this promise
my heart has made
to be there always
and never fade

When you need me
I will be there
everything I can
I swear to share

But for now I'm sorry
I have to disappear
for it hurts to much
to stay lost and alone here.

With tears and pain
And crowned with shame
My very being breaks down...

I read the signs
so wrong was I
to hope, to feel, to love...

If I could
go back in time
I'd stop before I fell...

Its not regret
or bitterness
that brings me to my knees...

But to fall in love
when nothing was there
has hurt my hopes so deep...

I stay in my silence
searching for solitude
One that will never come...

I refuse to talk
nor share my thoughts
I will handle this alone...

Here I stand
at the day's end
Silent, strong and forever regretful...

This is not regret
for falling so deep
but rather regret being who I am today....

I still feel this pain, yet I no longer have anyone to attach this pain to. I still feel this loss, yet I do not know exactly who it is I lost... This never ending depression that I still experience like psychotic episodes that visit me when I least expect it. A recognized sensation I grow tired of but in all its essence is foreign to me. Something impossibly remembered from a forgotten memory. A sensation close to the cliché of butterflies and sparks rooted in magic. Scary and enticing all in one majestic moment. Wanting to leave and at the exact same instant hesitant to go.

Moonlight glows through this empty room as I gaze into the starless sky. A voice inside my head has been screaming, weeping and wailing because of a loss that I refuse to resolve. The cold night air gently blowing... freezing each breath with its ice-cold touch. I bow my head and remember what it is I lost. Realizing that I had not gained anything in this span of time that I could actually lose yet again. Why do I have this extreme sense of loss when in truth it was never mine to lose... There is this unbelievable sadness sitting in my heart that draws me to cry... but I won't. I refuse to be subjected to yet another pain-filled failure yet as fate has placed before me, here I am once more bathing in a misery... still a failure. Bitter and at the same time concerned. Perpetually hoping that God would keep her safe... That she is happy. Waiting for an answer that will never come. Wishes offered to heaven.

(Plethoric Pain, Plethoric Love)

11/15/2007

9:11 pm

I hate that I’ve fallen for someone who hates half of who I am, but nevertheless I keep falling everyday. Unknowingly my actions have hurt her despite my best efforts to make her realize my feelings. She used to be so nice and amazing. The type that catches me emotionally off-guard with each passing day. Somehow she has changed. She has become too sensitive to her feelings and insensitive to mine. I feel blamed for this even though I do not take full responsibility for it. In the past and up until an hour and thirty-three minutes ago, I have tried to fulfill my promise to her. Tonight it ends, even if I do not want it to. Enough explanations, No more Goodbye’s… just an undeniable end to what could have been a wonderful thing.

She chose to end it this way. She chose to show me that I had no value to her. No more “I miss you’s” and no more truth. She has decided… and so I respect her decision.

I no longer want to feel the pain of seeing her walk-out. The jealousy of seeing her hand being held by someone else. The envy of the hugs and kisses that I hoped could be from me. The isolation of being excluded from conversations.

I know now that even if it is I whom she calls in her time of need, it is not I who she would rather be with in times of joy. I do not blame her… I guess even I know I’m not worth it.

There is one thing about this that I have learned; there are so many people whom I have ignored, but have always been there during my time of need. People who have shown me their love, while I poured my love on her. Its my time to give them what they should have gotten from the start. I will not hurt them the way I have been hurt by so many.

Memories of her and I will always be with me. The flowers, the visits, the songs, the times I was there for when she needed someone… the times I was there for no reason at all, except to simply be there.

“Forget me if you want… go if you must. But remember, at least for one last time that whatever it was we had, it was undeniably real. Remember it well… because the next time you see me, I will not be who you used to know. I regret never being able to make you happy… but that is the last regret I will ever have and you will ever see.”

For you, this is the last time I fall…

I'll be the one who listens
I'll be the one who cares
I'll be the one who holds you
I'll be the one who dares

You'll be the girl I think of
the one that's in my dreams
When I hug you tightly
You'll know just what it means

I'll kiss you with such feeling
that you'll tingle in delight
I'll always protect your honor
and always treat you right

I'll hold your hand and guide you
whenever you are lost
I'll show all the others
that I Love You the Most

I'll accompany you anywhere
as long as you need help
I'll shoulder all your problems
I'll shoulder all the guilt

And in those times of trouble
when no one seems to care
I'll be the guy who sits beside you
and whispers "I am Here..."

I'll give you flowers constantly
and bring them to your door
I'll notice all your flaws
but love you even more

To prove to you I Love You
I'll do everything that I can
But only IF i find you
and if I ever fall again...