March 7, 2008
The Mad Ravings of a Man Spurned
Just random thoughts on a life I now wish I never got to experience. Written year 2006 and recently added a few lines... but never had the heart to post it until now (minus the profanity).
Your words are infectious and filled with half-truths and whole lies. You have made yourself out as the victim and I, the evil heartless monster straight from the pits of hell. Your friends think I'm horrible and they tell you what to do. They say "forget him" or "you did the right thing". Your family thinks I wasted what we had for petty reasons. You lied to everybody, you tell your story with omitted facts and twisted truths. Sadly you believe in your own lies. I have been viewed as a hindrance to who you should have become. You always act so nice and this I won't deny. But do they know the secrets that you hold? That underneath that polite attitude is a person that willingly ripped my heart out and served it to me on a platter?
Nobody believed me when I told them my ordeal. They all believed that it was more likely that I was unfaithful and was the liar. I never set my defense because I do not plan to waste my energy protecting myself from these ignorant and prejudiced morons. I know the truth... You do as well. No matter how much time has passed, it still hurts and it still keeps me awake and in tears. I will not be a hypocrite and say that I was good and you were bad. That was not the case. I have been terrible to you more times than I even know. But it only started after your infidelity. Now I am who you molded me to be. Remember that from the start, I tried to be nice and tried to forget. I even set you free. But as fate would have it... Instead of the freedom I offered, You decided to be unfaithful yet again. Like a fool, I ran after you. I wanted to marry you. I asked a million times. A million times over, I heard you say no. The last straw is your third strike. When you cheated yet again. On the very day of our 3rd anniversary nonetheless. You were kissing him while I was working so hard to earn money to get you everything you might have wanted. You even brought our child when you went to see him. A "self-respecting" woman going to another man's house, child-in-tow. Hiding from the world what they do. Remember when I found out I even told you, "I hope he really does love you." The man who wanted to hide from his family that you have a child. That arrogant bastard. It hurt so much that I completely lost my way. I stayed for a year. I wanted to try. But this accumulated pain, never did die.
Well listen to me now! What we are and where we are now was a decision we both made. I never forced you to love me. I never forced you to care. Through all those times you were unfaithful, I tried my best to still be there. You slapped me with so many lies and broken promises and wasted dreams. I have made some bad decisions, this I admit. But at least I can say in all confidence, those were MY decisions. I did not need to take a poll, a survey or a million interviews for advice and decisions that are not my own. I do not need others' support to somehow provide a validation to my actions. I have wonderful friends who tell me if I'm wrong and show me the lesson I should learn. They do not sugarcoat what happened or say that I was right. I am still miserable... Undeniably unhappy and wishing for truth and love everyday.
But to you, I hope that you find your way. Because although I lost mine, I am more concerned for you. Even beyond the pain and the anguish that we went through. Still, I always believed we were a match. Not because you and I have shared so much and have been through even more. I do not think this way just because we have a child. I think like this because since the day I met you, I knew I could love you forever.
Your words are infectious and filled with half-truths and whole lies. You have made yourself out as the victim and I, the evil heartless monster straight from the pits of hell. Your friends think I'm horrible and they tell you what to do. They say "forget him" or "you did the right thing". Your family thinks I wasted what we had for petty reasons. You lied to everybody, you tell your story with omitted facts and twisted truths. Sadly you believe in your own lies. I have been viewed as a hindrance to who you should have become. You always act so nice and this I won't deny. But do they know the secrets that you hold? That underneath that polite attitude is a person that willingly ripped my heart out and served it to me on a platter?
Nobody believed me when I told them my ordeal. They all believed that it was more likely that I was unfaithful and was the liar. I never set my defense because I do not plan to waste my energy protecting myself from these ignorant and prejudiced morons. I know the truth... You do as well. No matter how much time has passed, it still hurts and it still keeps me awake and in tears. I will not be a hypocrite and say that I was good and you were bad. That was not the case. I have been terrible to you more times than I even know. But it only started after your infidelity. Now I am who you molded me to be. Remember that from the start, I tried to be nice and tried to forget. I even set you free. But as fate would have it... Instead of the freedom I offered, You decided to be unfaithful yet again. Like a fool, I ran after you. I wanted to marry you. I asked a million times. A million times over, I heard you say no. The last straw is your third strike. When you cheated yet again. On the very day of our 3rd anniversary nonetheless. You were kissing him while I was working so hard to earn money to get you everything you might have wanted. You even brought our child when you went to see him. A "self-respecting" woman going to another man's house, child-in-tow. Hiding from the world what they do. Remember when I found out I even told you, "I hope he really does love you." The man who wanted to hide from his family that you have a child. That arrogant bastard. It hurt so much that I completely lost my way. I stayed for a year. I wanted to try. But this accumulated pain, never did die.
Well listen to me now! What we are and where we are now was a decision we both made. I never forced you to love me. I never forced you to care. Through all those times you were unfaithful, I tried my best to still be there. You slapped me with so many lies and broken promises and wasted dreams. I have made some bad decisions, this I admit. But at least I can say in all confidence, those were MY decisions. I did not need to take a poll, a survey or a million interviews for advice and decisions that are not my own. I do not need others' support to somehow provide a validation to my actions. I have wonderful friends who tell me if I'm wrong and show me the lesson I should learn. They do not sugarcoat what happened or say that I was right. I am still miserable... Undeniably unhappy and wishing for truth and love everyday.
But to you, I hope that you find your way. Because although I lost mine, I am more concerned for you. Even beyond the pain and the anguish that we went through. Still, I always believed we were a match. Not because you and I have shared so much and have been through even more. I do not think this way just because we have a child. I think like this because since the day I met you, I knew I could love you forever.