This is a Three-part work that goes as follows
1. Truth
2. Anger
3. Forgiveness
I would post all of them since it supposed to be due today but time contraints and proofreading have the best of me.
Here is the first of the three installments:
TRUTH:
September 4, 2007 when I first mustered the courage to leave and set a distance between I and the only other person I could love in a way that even to me, was foreign and new. The days passed and I disappeared to ponder upon things that I could not realize if I stayed. I longed for her embrace and those mornings that I woke up beside her. This was my moment of weakness. The only time I had ever felt so overwhelmed. The conflict between what I needed to find out on my own and what my heart screamed for was tearing me apart.
I attributed it to a “Bias for the Recent” and brushed it off with all the will power I could gather. It worked, but not in the way I expected.
I lived my days and nights surrounded by people who have become quite close to me. Some of whom have declared their love, their faithfulness and their undying understanding. Some have become friends, some closer than the others. Some engulfed in the emotional turmoil that I kept deep within me.
I could not reciprocate all the kindness and love I had been given. How could I? When the only name my heart and mind could ever care for was the one I pushed away. She was my confidante, my friend, my morning and evening thought. To give the same amount of emotion to someone else was an emotional crime that I could never ever commit.
When you find someone you know you will never ever find again, you stick to them. My problem about this idea was I felt that (despite her mistakes) I was not worthy enough of being with her. This is what sent me into a downward spiral of soul-searching and deep realization. She was better off without me.
I wanted to be with her, I wanted so much more. Yet wanting it for myself was shameful. It is the definition of selfishness in its purest form.
I saw that what I did had deeply hurt her. If could take it all back, I would have. I saw her tears fall, her attempts at seeing me and all the pain it has brought to both our families. I wanted to run to her, hold her in my arms and show her that everything was going to be fine.
I drove by her house to see if the light was on or if she was now sound asleep. I drove there every night and stopped by their gate to gently say (though she could not hear me), “I Love You” and “Please be patient with me.”
I was a fool to even do those things when what I should have done was knock at her gate and tell her how I felt, before it was too late.
I had finally found the answer I was looking for and was finally able to forgive and forget the pain she caused me when she went astray. These thoughts no longer brought tears to my eyes or nightmares in my sleep. I felt ready to confidently love her and become the man she deserved.
Yet I saw something I did not see in her before. She seemed physically unhappy with the events that I had put into play, but deep inside she had this bud waiting to blossom and push her to do more than she thought of before. To kill this possibility I saw in her, was something I could not do. For me to return to her arms because “I felt ready to” was still selfish and proved that for all my effort and realizations, I was still the same fool I was when I left.
So I did what fools do when faced with smart decisions. I lied. I told her I was happy. That I found someone (several someone’s) just to give her that extra push into what she could achieve.
I watched in the background as she moved up and reached her goals. But like an idiot, I let her commit mistakes that I could have clearly prevented. That is my sin. I had never been as proud of her before as I was now. I had never been so ashamed of myself before either.
It took lies and deceit to ruin what could have been the pride of a couple, instead of an individual. I could have been there as a supportive man to a well established woman. But I wasn’t.
My stories about fooling around, falling in-love and making mistakes are all lies. I never felt this strongly for anyone else but you (although I said I did). I never fooled-around with the women I told you I did (most of them didn’t even exist). I never broke our promise and the commitment I gave to you. I lied. I have been single for this past year, watching and waiting for my chance to win you back. A chance I now relinquish. I concede to fate. I own-up to my poor decisions and my half-baked realizations.
“What if I told you something that will help you move on?” she asked. I already knew what it was. I jokingly told her what she wanted to tell me. Deep in my mind I spoke words I failed to tell her, “I told you so many things to help YOU move on… my mistake was I never foresaw the end result of it.” Then I told myself “Be ready, even if you know what it is, it will still hurt like hell once you hear the confirmation.” My daughter came to kiss me as a thank you for a wonderful day, I whispered to her to tell her mother that she needed to go to the bathroom. This was the distraction I needed to delay the conversation. Then I nodded and pretended to distract her with a mix-up with the food, simply to delay the inevitable truth.
The confirmation came after a nice day of avoiding it. This is so painful and so very scarring. Still, I knew what I had to do. I had to move on. It wasn't a hard choice, given that it was the only choice I was left with. So to the bigger and better and hopefully more sincere, I will go. Maybe not just yet, not in an instant but I’m finally going to be pushed to my very first step.
I lied. I lied. I lied. Means nothing now and I apologize, but I just had to tell you… even if it came too late.
