yabs

Part Two

(please be reminded that this is a literary work and does not represent the writer's current views or feelings)

(Anger)

Everything led to these turn of events that I am actually glad were opened. Finally exposing this for what it really is... A fraud. Something we put up on a pedestal "pretending" it was very important. In the end one of us faltered and gave-in to weakness. Hiding behind innocence while the other took the fall.

Think about it as you read on. I hope your friends and all concerned read this too. When I think about it, Your question "What if I told you something to help you move on?" Is insulting... My heart is stuck on this pain. Not stuck on you. Yes I love you, but what makes you think I can't move on because of you? This is my decision, my pain... Do you think of yourself that highly? Well you've ruined me so many times and hurt me even more... You left me out there to face the judging eyes of others who think I was the one in sin... Well let me ask you and tell everybody else:

Who cheated several times? Who lied without remorse to my family? Who did not care about right or wrong? Who did not want a deeper commitment? Who went ahead and did everything to get what they wanted, despite the fact it was unjust? Who was an accessory to breaking-up a family? Who will deny these facts knowing full well the truth in them?

Do not think of yourself as the underdog or someone who just wants to be loved. Stop dreaming of romance and a happy ever after. It only happens to good people. People who get stepped on and are not selfish. People who know where to look for romance and strive to achieve a happy ever after without hurting others. Hope you're happy that you once again got what you wanted... At the expense of others. I leave this question before I end this: If you think that what you have now is so perfect and right... If it feels like the best thing for you... Then why did you hide and lie about it?

yabs

Part Three

(Forgiveness)

To see you this way, knowing that you lost your way makes me feel bad. I cannot imagine the confusion and worry you must be going through. Though you've hurt so many people including those who you never wanted to hurt in the first place, I believe you still have a chance to become better than this.

Looking at things from a different perspective. I cannot help but feel sad. We were once part of one big family after all. You deserve better, but until you realize that, you'll never be where you should be. Love yourself to a point that you become happy. But love yourself enough, to a point that you prevent yourself from becoming selfish.

There are so many sides of me that fill me with mixed emotions. The truth hurts me, the anger corrupts me, but forgiveness sets me free.

I have written all of these with sorted feelings, simply because I needed to let it out. For a person to move forward, he must undo the chains that bind him and release the weight that holds him back.

So I wish you all the best. I congratulate you on the decision you have made. I will not trouble you with these issues (as long as you and everybody involved, do not trouble me... Lets face it, I have been reeled into this several times already). You have a new life that you seem to like, and I need to start creating a life beyond this for my own.

I would not say "I forgive you" since I do not know if there is anything I have the right or even the business to forgive. All I have for you is the wish that you find your way and the hope that you reach what you deserve to attain. This I will constantly pray for... Because that is the only way I can forgive myself for all the events that rooted from my selfish weakness and monumental failure as a moral guide.

yabs

The rain keeps pouring
As I lay here
In this cold and quiet room

Pondering on the past
A past I've thought of
A million times over

Reruns of memories
Each frame plays
One after the other

Baffled by my own thoughts
Confused by my indecision
Tormented by the unacceptable

The cycle of remembering
Triggered by all
And by everything

Tears have stopped
But the feelings remained
Is it supposed to mean something?

I have not been desensitised
Nor is this a step
It is as it has always been

Solitary
Aware of my own velleity
No physical tears

Half-dead
Half-crazy
Completely crying inside

In this slumber
Dreaming of memories
So warm and clear

In this dawn
Waking to a reality
So cold and faded

yabs

Useless to say
What I need to say
Pointless to utter
The only thing
My heart wants to scream

Same topic
Same theme

If the world
Spun the other way
If time and existence
Were both insignificant
Both unimportant

Then and only then
Would I not be a miscreant

All and nobody
Not caring about my pain
None and everybody
Telling me my words
Are all the same

But who in this world
Could I ever blame?

I have been shunned
Always set aside
I know I have no value
Meaning nothing
To anyone

I dare not walk
Dare not run

Losing myself
In thoughts
And finding myself
Only though the comfort
Of wallowing in sorrow

I'm sorry
Yes I truly am,

If all I can write
Is the pain
That has not died
Words of regret
And of soul-searching pride

Things are not so easy
As others may think

Not as simple
Or solved
Within a blink
My heart has been scarred
Brought to the absolute brink

I have nobody
To aid me

Through these trying times
So I remain stuck
Indefinitely in uncertainty

yabs

The death of my endless smiles
Gave birth to undying tears

Working hard to find myself
Before doing anything else

This quest for answers
Has yet to bear fruit

So many random thoughts in my mind
So many problems, so little time

This loss I experienced
Seems to be somebody else's gain

So choiceless am I
So utterly helpless

To pass the torch
I must willingly do

Half-hoping the curse I bear
Passes elsewhere too

yabs

You'll reach a point in your life
Regardless of your age
When you conclude
That this is the absolute end

Where everything you hold dear
No longer matters
When all your desires and hopes
Cease to push you on

You can no longer cry
Nor feel any sliver of joy
All you see is shades of gray
Failing to see the colors of life

Everything majestic,
To you is mediocre
Everything inspiring
Pushes you to give-up

All the love in your heart
Equates to disappointment
All the dreams you have
Transform into nightmares

All you see in the beginning
Is the inevitable end
All that life brings
Eventually leads to death

The madness of the world
Becomes so normal
And the normal
Becomes sub-standard

All you want to do in your sleep
Is to stay wide awake
And the times you are awake
You just want to close your eyes

yabs

Commonly stated
Commonly in a state of err
So often heard
Overlooking underlying factors

They are old enough
To make their own decisions
They are no longer children
Just leave them alone

I do not think that way
Nor do I believe in full control
I am a failure
A glorified loser

I am old enough
I am not a child
But apparently
I make terrible decisions

That alone
Is proof enough
That age
Does not imply good judgment

Yet I have beliefs
Ones worth a second or two
Even the aged
Need guidance

Mistakes are avoidable
The correct path
Requires a steady heart
And an open mind

Forgive me
If I gave advice
I apologize
If I watched over you

But my goal is simple
To ensure that you are safe
Safe from others
And safe from yourself

You are old enough
To make your own decisions
Now it is time to learn
How to make the right ones

No more self-destructive situations
None so poorly thought-out
No more causing others pain
No more doses of anguish

Please be guided by yourself
And others who have moral decency
Do not suffer for petty romance
Or the weaknesses you've always had

Do not seek out
others like yourself
Or those who simply
Dispense approval

Run away
From the illusions that blind you
From the wrong that may hurt you
From me and my once hopeful heart...

yabs

Tigas ng Ulo
Sama ng Loob
Pagsisising hindi dumating
Kahit umabot na sa ganito

Totoong pag-ibig daw
Salitang walang laman
Huwad na panalangin
At kahihiyang walang hangganan

Sumunod ba sa plano
Ang kinahinatnang ito?
Sobrang kaligayahan ba
Ang inabot ninyo?

Pikit na tinanggap
Buong pusong luluhod
Dahil kayo'y nanalo
At ako'y nai-taboy

Palakpak at hiyawan
Ang natatanging premyo
Mula sa sakit at galit
Na sa aki'y naidulot niyo

Magpaka-saya ng todo
Magbunyi sa kalangitan
Mag-diwang na ngayon
Ang kahihiyan ay di nakikita

Ako'y nagmistulang tanga
Naghirap dahil inyo
Panahon ba ulit
Para sa pananakit na bago?

Unti-unting pinapatay
Ginagawang baliw
Ang aking pagkatao
Na matagal na pinag-dusa

Kayo'y makasarili
Bulag sa sariling pagkakasala
Kunwari'y mangmang sa pangyayari
Sinungaling sa harap ng iba

Katangian ng mga taong
Walang respeto
Makasarili at mapanakit
Walang takot sa Diyos

yabs

Though the feelings
Are quite intense and undescribable
Though the words
Are sweet and sound genuine

Each moment
Is like magic and butterflies
Exactly how you want it
Perfectly romantic yet again

But knowing yourself
And how quickly you fall
Reeled in by the New, by Words
By Being nice and by Romance

Once again, against all odds
Like all the stories before this
A pattern so predictable
That it's essence becomes meaningless

Committing the same acts just like before
Aggressively jumping purely by impulse
Acting exactly the way you do
When faced with the nice and sweet

How do you know
If this is real?
How can you trust
Your judgment?

In your heart
You know this sin
Though you may act blind to it
It will always be there

This is not love you have addressed
It is desire that has been satiated
It is fear that you avoid
Something lacking that needs to be filled

The desire for romance
The fear of being alone
The need for external validation
The feeling of being wanted by someone else

All has been predictable so far
Everything has been dictated by attitude
True Love versus Known Behavior...
Which one governs?

So how can you be sure
That this is what you think it is?
When it follows a foreseeable pattern
That is so obvious and can reoccur?

Something that has happened before...
So how do you know its real?
How can you trust in something
That is reliably unreliable?

yabs

I've learned so much
About the truths in life

We get what we wish for
But not exactly how
Or even when
We want or expect it

I've learned the hard way
About the truths of love

We love the thought of love
We fail because of it
Waiting for decisions and approval
That should be found within ourselves

I've learned by experience
About the truths on hate

Anything can lead to hate
Hate is all-consuming
And can be fueled easily
But ultimately, hating is a matter of choice

I've learned with regret
About the truths surrounding failure

We hate failing in our goals
Because we fear vulnerability
It opens us to the reality
That our dreams can hurt us

I've learned beyond measure
About pain and confusion

We can't avoid being hurt
Pain is a hard way to learn a lesson
It makes us doubt our ability to decide
By letting wrong defeat right

I've learned in my own special way
About trust and doubt

We try so hard to trust
Because we think doubt is negative
In truth, right and wrong actions
Are borne from doubt and trust

I've learned by acceptance
About letting go and moving on

We talk about letting go
We hear about moving on
Yet thinking of facts and counting time
Prevents us from it

I've learned so little about so many things
That I can always start but never finish

But the things I've learned have humbled me, by showing how irrepressible life is and how helpless we become as a result of our attempts to take too much control.