yabs

After what seemed like an eternity, tonight is different. In the years that have gone by I have slept a disturbed sleep. Tonight is the first night I began to see; The patience you had in waiting and watching. My aches and the pain I thought was truly hell, have faded into nothing. The years you listened and knew when to be there I regretfully took for granted. The nights I would lay here alone... you were actually there.

Though I will never fall or become prey to illusions again, I see in you what is real. I apologize, years ago I saw nothing in you but a friend who I never cared for beyond what I thought it was. To hear you and feel the truth you hid for so long, makes me bow in shame at my utter stupidity.

As I sleep tonight I now know what vigilantly waited for me to become ready. I look back at the things I overlooked. So much wasted time has elapsed. These things I will never overlook again. The tears you wiped away, the advice you've given, the hugs I never noticed...

Tonight's the first night within the pool of nights that I can call true sleep. As we lay there in a state of calm uncomplicated bliss, my dispassionate heart has been stirred awake to the new, the sweet and the serene. I slept... I slept a normal sleep. I missed this.

yabs

Every night I cry
As the pain lingers
Growing concern
Affects my daily thoughts

I've stopped my vices
Just a little too late
I am tormented by agony
An agony I brought upon myself

Rolling down my cheek
My tears flow out
No amount of regret
Could comfort me

Nothing could make it right
Because I suffer in silence
Nobody knows what I feel
For I have told no single soul

I am fearfully unaware
Of what this could be
Yet completely knowledgeable
Of its harmful potential.

I may die
I might not...
The fear is there nonetheless
Pushing me to retreat

yabs

Looking back at memories of blessings long-gone and under-appreciated, there is one and only one that I have ultimate regret about.

Forget the pictures seen where I embraced so many others, those are all misleading. Forget any talks heard from my mouth or from others, those are all a far stretch from the truth.

For there is only one truth, one single regret within this year when I exiled myself from reality. I Love You and I realized it too late.

It was fear that led me to sabotage what was almost a new chance to be happy. The "what if's" that haunted me and pushed me to retreat, sealed our connection. A connection that took so very long to create but so very little to sever.

I will never forget when you cried because of the overwhelming attention I gave to so many other girls whom you thought I gave priority to.

I am sorry.

I remember the single date we had that led to awkward circumstances simply because my social life was interfering with our time together. I apologize for the words spoken by so many others that put you on-the-spot.

Though I cared for you more than both of us knew, it was my fault for not looking deeper into myself to see what I was doing wrong. Too late, as it ate away at the very foundations of our relationship.

I should have shown more eagerness. My error was I had thought so much about the my past that it seemed so certain to become our future.

Paranoia set in so early. It infected me to the core. I dragged you down with me. So inconsiderate was I to push my troubled heart into our individually troubled lives. Only to duck and run at the slightest glimpse of hope for both of us.

I was insane. Deranged. Unsound. So blissfully caught in something potentially great and yet so afraid of it.

I was helplessly stuck on someone else. I did not get the closure I needed from her. I could not move on despite the obvious fact that I should have been able to.

I wallowed in a pool of self-pity and broken-hearted tears until I was saturated by it.

I covered it up with illusions of joy, empty moments with women I was never interested in. All the while you were there.

My actions filled you with so much doubt. Just as I had done to myself.

Now, so many months after I succeeded in sabotaging what we could have had, I am filled with regret.

I see you and still feel your pain. Pain I had caused you. Now I see what a fool I was. I drove you out but you never really left.

Now I see myself and feel my pain. Pain I had caused myself. You saw what a fool I was. I thought you might stay but you already left for good.      

yabs

Set as good
Believed as natural
Borderline bliss
Accompanied by the pleasant

Enticed by the possibilities
By the dissolute truth
The unbridled attraction
That was once mine

To see her again
As all begins to ameliorate
Is as much providence
As it is pure torture

Nary a day of regret
For the suppressed dreams
That I once held in esteem
Great aspirations all

Outstanding and astounding
"Yes!" my bosom implores
It screams..
louder than I could ever scream...

Hope floats yet again
Priming my vulnerability
Preparing my sound mind
For another insane fall

Why risk anew
For an almost certain failure?
Because my dreams
Are worth the constant lessons...

As much as this old love
Is worth the effort,
This curst decrepit heart finds worth
In every angle of trying...

If for nobody else but myself....

yabs

My thoughts fail me
I stare into this blank paper
Gripping my pen

Forcibly thinking
Of what words to use
Of what phrases follow

Squeezing every ounce
Picking on every bit
Of this insufficient inspiration

Realizing that the anger
The bottomless depression
The intense stir of emotions

All of these,
That have provided me
With fuel... Have vanished

My former pain
Is pale compared to the relief
I now feel

Although my bitterness
Has become a smile
And my angst - now peace

Sadly as a result, all I have
Are pathetic attempts
At expressive eloquence

Unable to use any other fuel
Other than blood from my heart
Mixed with sweat and tears

Oh I rejoice and feel woe
For my muse has died
Along with my bravado

Where shall I find inspiration?
When all I can use is pain
The writer in me begs...

Would you come and break my heart?

yabs

I've never completed a single series of "Simbang Gabi"... I was always able to look for reasons not to go. Even when I did go I would stay outside and take first pick of the various edibles of which had an aroma that filled the air. This year, I did not even consider going to a single mass.

A few days back I was at a local bar drinking with my friends. We talked, played billiards and had a nice cozy time. Nothing truly eventful happened that night so I decided to go home. As I was walking-out, a group of people had just walked in and I overheard a single word - "Bibingka"...

I arrived home shortly after. Took a shower and lay in bed. Four hours into my sleep I was awakened by the caterwauling of cats in heat. Then and there, I suddenly remembered Bibingka. I began to imagine the nice coal-cooked dough rising as it gets heated. The buttery goodness partnered with the rough but creamy texture of each and every bite. Bibingka with a light coconut topping and an added twist of salty red-egg, all wrapped in a lightly charred banana leaf "Mmmmmmmmmmm!" I thought to myself.

My stomach began to growl. It is weird sometimes when you ate a full meal and your hunger has seemingly been satiated, only to feel hungry at the thought of more food that couldn't possibly fit in your tummy because of the heavy meal that preceded it. I went out nonetheless for the Baguio Cathedral. First day of "Simbang Gabi" and I was there.

"Wow! Bibingka! Masarap!" I uttered loudly. Then it happened; A lady, a foreigner as based on my assessment, tapped my shoulder and looked at me intently as if I had offended her. "Excuse me?!" she uttered in a quick but mispronounced way. I stared at her and said "Huh? Maybe you have mistaken me for someone else." She put her hands around her waist and told me "You made a remark at me! You said Masarap!" Puzzled and irritated by her utter audacity, plus irritated by her vanity, I did not hold myself back. I'm a straightforward person and so I told her, "Look sweetness, I'm sure you get hit on a lot, but you have to think. Coz not every f**kin' remark revolves around you and your prissy attitude."

Staring as if she was going to eat me (in a bad way), she started poking me with her finger and told me off.

My face turned red and I was flushed with embarrassment. Her name was apparently "Babinka" a cute name no doubt but a weird one just the same. I was surprised by it and even more surprised that she did not get the humor in it. Then again, although she knew a little tagalog, she was still a foreigner afterall. She turned around and she gave a parting insult, "F**kin' A**hole!"

I was not offended. To the contrary I thought it was cute. I felt guilty. How could we part ways under such conditions? I slyly followed her. I saw where she sat and let my plan come into play. I went to a bibingka stand and ordered one. I had 30 minutes... I need to do this quick.

10 minutes later I had a bibingka on one hand and a torch-lighter in the other. I began to use the torch on the smooth yellow-orange surface of the bibingka. 10 more minutes and I was done. I re-wrapped the bibingka and made my way into the church just in time for the communion. I casually sat beside her as she glanced back-and-forth at me. I smiled, rubbed my hands together and said "Wow, this is the coldest Baguio has been all year!" She looked at me blankly and then raised her eyebrow. "You don't even know me... Why are you talking to me?" she remarked. I answered "Hey, I'm just makin' small talk. Tryin to be nice. 'Tis the season afterall..." "Oh and I do know who you are, Babinka right?" I smugly added. "That's just a name." she replied as she crossed her arms and sharply stared me down. "It's a start, right?" I told her.

The communion was almost over so I stood up, looked at her and smiled. "Merry Christmas Babinka!" I gently said as I turned and walked away. I left on a better note than the first encounter we had. I feel so much better. I wasn't done yet though.

The mass ended and I waited for her by the exit. She passed me and I walked over to her. I handed her the bibingka I bought earlier. She looked puzzled, a man she just had a hostile encounter with is giving her something and making an effort at doing so. "Its a special bibingka, with a personal touch. Merry Christmas again!" I told her and then vanished into the crowd.

I sat in a slightly hidden area and watched. She pulled my peace offering out of the bag and opened it revealing the words burned into it with my lighter. I wrote "Truly Sorry! M.Xmas" I saw her smile. My day was now done. I could go home and sleep.

The next morning I returned to the Baguio Cathedral. I realized I never did get any bibingka which I was craving yesterday. I attended the service and when it was finished I stood by smoking before heading to a bibingka stall. All of a sudden a nice cute and gentle voice said "I'm sorry too!" I looked behind me and saw Babinka smiling at me holding a bibingka with two hands gesturing for me to take it.

I smiled back, nodded and took the bibingka. I thanked her and we ended up talking for quite a while. When she left I got into my car and opened the bibingka. On it using coconuts, she wrote; "Tomorrow?"

I completed my first ever Simbang Gabi Series. Always having a scintillating conversation with Babs after each mass.

And that is my Bibingka Story.