You refused to help

Despite my pleading

 

You have become so selfish

A coward and a disappointment

 

No proper apology given to those

Who love you unconditionally

 

Just as long as you are fine

It seems that's all that matters

 

If I could close my world

From you and your curse

 

I would take my family

And save them from you

 

But I can't

I let you root yourself into them

 

And it's impossible to weed you out

They still love you without parallel

 

To uproot you would be

Like killing a part of them - part of me

 

I cannot do that despite my desire

I'll instantly hurt them if I did soÄ

 

So I have no choice but to watch you as you slowly hurt them with your selfish accursed ways. At least it isn't instantaneous and noticeable. Just subtle and self-consuming. I just hope your Godly faith will finally steer you to the right path. The path that isn't one-sided. The one that is not at the expense of others.

A constant thought

For each passing day

Constant as the morning sun

And the afternoon rains

 

Unpredictable

Like the mood swings

Of a love

That just won't go away

 

With every new endeavor

New intent will rise

Still sadly stuck on the past

So nothing ever bears fruit

 

A love that stopped

Truly being love

When the lines were drawn

And sides were chosen

 

A friendship quickly shifts

As anger and lies come

Nothing else moves forward

Limited by the curse of predictability

 

Stagnant

Lacking the dynamics of being

Purged of lessons

Just unending monotonous pain

 

All for this lack of closure

Forever dwelling on the lost

Possibly in fear of it's end

An end I need, but not want

 

Surrounded by the fear

That when the pain goes away,

The last ounce of you in me

Will also vanish

Existence that's flawed

Up to the very last

But feelings so intense

That none can surpass

 

It's a love

That I dare not forget

So too comes tears

That I dare not regret

 

From our plethora

f smiles and kisses

To these other men

I now compare to feces

 

From a family

We called our own

To reaping the consequences

Of what we've sown

 

From protecting you

From a pedictable fate

To protecting you

From those instilled with hate

 

Those things you try

And the risks you take

To all the lies

That you dare to make

 

From being one

To being alone

From sharing nothing

To having none

 

Hopelessly believed

as the best years and the worst

Unknowingly Labeled

As the lucky and the cursed

Solitary...
Mixed-up with so many bad things

Idealistic...
Fighting for that which was wrong

Unwillingly willing
To be a pawn in this devil's game

Unknowingly knowing
That it was I that was to blame

Then you came
Into my life

Cut into the illusion
Like a truth-edged knife

Glad was I
That I was free

The "I" I knew
Now became "We"

We had a bliss-filled love
With risks and secrets to share

Always ready
Knowing there's someone there

This union
So great and amazingly true

Soon blossomed
Plus one between me and you

Now we were a family
full of God-given dreams

What I thought was forever
Was truly shorter than what it seems

Amidst the ideals
Of us - the joyful three

Came a few other bastards
That cut between you, I and she

Lost once again
Solitary in heart and mind

No longer idealistic
Cursed by a fate so unkind

Back to "I"
But now bitter and unhopeful

Forgotten myself
Sad, hurt and shameful

Back to One
Despite the rain of loving

A familiar stranger
Perpetually grieving

I said I moved on
I said a lot of things

Yet everyday
I wake up
With a bleeding heart

Daily regrets
And soulful realizations

Pondering mistakes
Of past shortcomings
And hurtful obsessions

Unable to deal
Or even cope with the change

Always what if
Or where it faded
How it became terribly wrong

Set to misplaced jealousy
To mismanaged possibilities

Displeased with life
And the shameÄ
And the sense of wonder

Controlled by the ferocity
of the bitterness seared into me

Always in question
Never self-assured
Perpetually disappointed

No help from those I needed
Governed by selfishness

No risks allowed
No will to set things right
Only the strength to run

Is this right?
Is this what is deserved?

Here I sit with a myriad of  potentials
None too impressive yet all worth it

Disappointed at myself
My sweet-sorry indecisive anima

My incomplete solution
My teary-eyed smiles

Knees weak, my body shivering
An utter loss of composure

Brilliantly masked from all the world
Using what is left of my innocence

Innocence! I smile and laugh inside
So comedic in a sense

Going straight to hell for all of this
Or at least that is my assumption

To the One so foreign
I wish it was easier to talk to you

To the One so forbidden
My honor binds me to say NO

To the One so far away
We are lost souls on opposite paths

To the One so mysterious
I fear your false insanity

To the One so experienced
History will keep us where we are

I am lost in every sense of the word
A victim of emotional deterioration

Fearing my decisions
Knowing what it could bring me

Blessed with so many possibilities
Cursed with the lack judgement

Cautious and Careless
Unable to take loss...    

I have always been
As I am today

In search of verity
In search of emotional idealism

I fail to practice what I ask of others
Yet charge others in their failings

I have been branded
Surrounded by malicious gossip

Deemed unworthy... always doubted
Based on assumptions and in lies

I have created this image
But sadly never defended it's nature

Shared countless moments
With countless groups

Met amazing people
Witnessed amazing truths

Yet here I stand
Well connected but ill-omened

A survivor in poor a rendition
Of a life story filled to the brim with pride and pity

Out of my way and tried my best
To know those that should be known

To have them see me as somebody
A person with value and pride

To set respect and humbling fear
Just to ensure that you are well

My heart goes out to you
As you go about your life

A friend set to minimal roles
But striving to indirectly guide you

Your joy is my joy
Your accomplishments fuel my days

It motivates me to live...
To the the full extent of a hopeful tomorrow

A tomorrow that needs to accept...
That has to live without you...

Filling a void that I created
By refusing to look for a substitute

Living months and years in the past
but failing to live even a single minute in the present

So with this realization
I wish you well

Selfishly, I wish you well
Hoping that it would make me well too

(this is the the incomplete version for V.L. as requested)

This gap in communication
Drives me crazy

To hold her hand
But fail to say what needs to be said
Is a curse that none can bear

Two different worlds
Two different  sides
That converge into one place

My senses betray me
And my better judgment fails me

Here we are with stolen moments
Of hidden looks
Of secrets that we keep

I fear tomorrow
For it all ends
On the day you're set to leave

Before you go I will be there
At least for one last time

To tell you things...
The real things I feel
So genuinely meant

...Incomplete...

You finally did it
To a point that I've taken notice
As much as I try to deny it
You have given me a reason to look

You have sparked my interest
Taken my attentionÄ
But I will not let you succeed easily
I am on my guard due to my past

The lessons I've learned
Will keep me cautious
They will save me from harm
And protect you from my curse

If you want to win
You have to have something better
An ace up your sleeve...
Because I will not be taken so easily

I want you to win
I pray for your success
Because it is my success
My God-given resolution

Spent a long time alone
Working on avoiding mistakes
So I will not endanger myself
By making another error

Although I am so ready to lose,
I will not give in without being sure
And until I see proof..
Proof that it is all worth it

That you are worth it
That you see me as worth it
That this is not another mistake
Finally a success...

By chance we met,
By chance fell...
As all other things
Became seemingly irrelevant.

Your purity and simplicity
Runs through my mind.
Your sense of wonder
Has covered my hopelessness.

I have been lured,
Enticed by possibilities...
Driven to shadow you...
 Enthralled by your enigma...

We shared so much
In but a moment...
The shortest slice of eternity.
The smallest morsel of life.

It was my failure
That allowed us to part
My inadequacy in trying.
My personal defeat.

No chance for goodbye,
Just sorrow-filled regret.
No last moments,
Just a happy past that cries.

Goodbye to you...
Though it comes too late...
Farewell to us,
That is our predictable fate...

Here I am once again. Consumed by bitterness and utter confusion. Filled with disappointment and half-hearted hope. Sensing the new changes that once again you dare not admit. Still, whenever I hear the word "love" it reminds me of us. Sadly, when I hear the word "pain" it reminds me of you.

Love
Has struck me down
It made me believe
Once again

Then it dashed my dream
Simply for telling the truth
And wanting answers
To the queries I have long had

I pulled
It pushed
It's me
It has made a fool

Love confused me
To such a agonizing degree
Where it slapped me with the reality
That I was not really content

My heart burnedÄ
As hers was encased in ice
Frozen for an infinity
Yet cold only to me

Stuck once again
In this sick and deviant torture
This torture of romance
This agony of heart and mind

Always fresh
Until it is addressed
Addressed by civilized talking
Not by cowardly fleeing

No excuses
Would come in between
Speak and listen
Let this be the path

Before all I hear about you
I begin to believe
Before your actions
Show me why I shouldn't grieve

Each second
In each minute
I lie to myself
And to others

Each lie
This truth obscures
Digs a deeper hole
That I need to fill

Each hole I fill
Creates another
Until I create a trench
That is difficult to mask

ach trench
That I mask
Is a new lie
Waiting to be used

This facade
Is a momentary escape
Away from the truth
That mounts quickly

It lies dormant in us
And manifests itself
At the worst possible time

It keeps us human
but makes us inhuman as well

It burns our skin
It sears our soul
It breaks our defenses

That is our curse
For being human

We know what we are
And we can become
What we are not supposed to be

We are symbiotes to chaos
Whores to undying embarrassment

Trapped in our freedom
Encased in our needs
Prisoners to our desires

That is why we are inhuman
That is why we are even more human

The bondage of self-worth
This ultimate indifference
Desensitized to the world

Inhuman due to our humanity
The standards we avoid to live by

I have taught so many
Using the knowledge
That I do not have

I offered myself to others
And sat there listening
But only truly heard my own voice

I offered to wipe tears away
When I wasn't even able
To wipe my own tears

I swore so much
And promised even more
All of which I could not fulfill

I took pleasure in reading people
To predict what they would do
But myself I did not know

I used the word "like"
And the word "love"
But never gave an effort

I bowed my head
Because of shame
But even this shame was not mine

I have nothing
I lose nothing
I am nothing

They talked to me about her
I was delighted
There was an inner exhuberance
That made me jump for joy

he posted her query
I fully understood
despite my eagerness
I knew it was too soon

o my amazement she stared
This shot of pain enveloped me
It covered me
Showed me the truth

I was not ready
Nor confident enough
So I said "no"
"Regretfully, No"

Few times in my life
Would I be complimented
As charming and interesting
Few times would I decline

With all this regret
I stand by my "No"
With all this loneliness
I choose to just go

Because I've decided
And will stick by my word
That never again
Will I experience nor give-in to hurt

Apologies came
As I said "no"
I choose to be alone
Until I feel whole.

We fall so often
Hoping each one is real

To know another's touch
As it becomes as familiar as our own

Eyes closed in full sincerity
Giving in to what we think we know

Blinded to any consequences
It is the romantic in us

That drives us there
That creates this rain of fire and ice

Soothing and painful
Contrasting and complimenting

Fell yet again for someone great
Felt this way a few times before

Now in the aura of it's majesty again
This creates a subnormality

One that is embraced like a fool
Accepted with no regrets

Just for a moment of peace
A trice of completion

Actual, Genuine, Literal
Extreme, Profound, Unabated

Fall again, oh yes indeed
For the meantime it is true

It's the truth in it that compels us hold on..

Open you mouth
Use your voice...

Utter what others
Have only whispered...

Let it be known
Just set me right...

No gossip or rumors
No half lies or truths...

Tell me
What should be known...

Show me
The wrong I've done...

Let the learned
Become my guide...

Instead of infinitely
holding me up to ridicule...

Let your secrets
Become my truths...

Let your heart
Enlighten my mind...

You are my one chance
To set myself right...

Find it in yourself
To give me your truth...

Not just the truth I know
Nor the truth I chose to believe...

Show me the side of the coin
That I have failed to see...

Open my eyes
Beyond the biases I live by...

Show me more
Than what I see in me

Self-induced neurosis
Bound by emotional jealousy
Resentful of other's joy

Always meticulously searching
For that drama within happiness
A ball-and-chain in freedom

Self-indulgent sorrow
Simply covered by denial
Narcissistic in a sense

In proclaimed search
But never in action
Just foul-mouthed hot air

Opportunity presents itself
It chases and haunts
It invites in hope

Sadly ineffective to the mind
A mind convinced of it's inadequacies
Convinced of it's phantom fears

Living in procrastination
Bathing in the memories of tears
Tears that should have stopped then

On a pause that's longer than forever
Frozen stiff by this uber emotionality
No plans or will to be productive

Talked about love
And all about pain
This depression in my soul

Talked about hate
About forgiveness
And things I could not forget

There had always been tears
Brought forth by regret
Always fresh, always untimely

Wrote for the hope of searching
The unending quest for another
These people and feelings I wrote for

Yet still, here I am
Same as ever
Or much surely worse

Met so many, so few have stayed
None quite worthy,
None worth the pain

Resigned to fate
Closed to pursuit
Yielded to waiting

I sit here in wait
For an uncertain time
All for destinyÄ
Until fate gives me mine

Wherever you might be
Whenever you're set to begin
Please come find me
I'll be vigilantly waiting

I
You
They

All in our own form of turmoil

Arbitrary decisions
At our own discretion
Our own peril

All caught in capricious chaos

Radical changes
That led to these turn of events
This state of reluctant convalescence

All to prove that everything is nothing

Guileful at living sad
But convincingly happy lives
Solely for the needs it quenches

All marked with regrets we deny

Mired into this illusion
Of a reshaped future
That still eerily resembles the past

That is the eye of the storm

Calm and seemingly safe
Surrounded by a pandemonium
Of rough truths and fine lies

Reflecting what we pretend to keep hidden...

Siguro kung tinupad ko
Ang aking mga pangako
Siguro kung hindi ko
Binuksan ang aking bibig

Siguro kung lahat ng araw
Hanggang kahapon
Pinatunayan kong
Hindi mali itong pag-ibig

Sa dami
Ng masasakit na salita
Sa aking kawalan
At pagkukulang

Iniyak na sa langit
At sa lahat ng pwedeng luhuran
Hindi nais mawala ang sakit
Ngunit nais baguhin ang minsan

Nandito
Sa aking mga salita
Kitang-kita
Ang buhay kong may puwang

Lungkot ang aking Kalbaryo
Kawalan ang aking sakit
Naghahanap ng sagot
Handa kahit kailan

Ang dagok ng pagsisisi
Ay hindi makakalimutan
Sa kakaibang pintig ng puso
Habang buhay na pasan